Burden of Bollywood

Everyone out here is interested in Bollywood, would like to know if India looks like the movies, and they would like to learn bollywood dancing. I feel as much an ambassador of bollywood as India here. My Argentinean friend Lucas, had downloaded the main song from Om Shanti Om and danced on it back home. My Turkish German friend Surreya loves singing ‘chali jaisi hawayen sanan sanan’. And my Sri Lankan friend Kasthuri has trained in classical Indian dancing and bollywood and aspires to set up her own Bollywood dance group in Frankfurt.
Few days ago, I was put in a tight spot when our dance teacher Apo insisted I show everyone an Indian dance, and Kasthuri eagerly switched on the song ‘ring ring ringa’ from Slumdog Millionaire for me. I had to yell out ‘I can’t dance on this song as its about the girl losing her virginity’ for the class to leave me alone. There’s no f#$ing way I’m dancing on Ila Arun going ‘achha’, ‘ohho’ about some khatmal in the bed.
I had to make truce by dancing later that night in my nightie (which people here think is an Arabian summer dress or something) on ‘Hawa Hawai’ from Mr.India. Maulvi, the Indonesian boy had the video downloaded on his laptop.
So I’m compelled to think about the following things- A) what are the quintessential bollywood moves and B) what are the quintessential dance numbers.
And somehow, Govinda, the king of pelvic thrusts comes to my mind. Be it in the song ‘Aa aa ee, o o o’ from Raja Babu or ‘soni de nakhre’ in Partner. Also, Madhuri Dixit from ‘choli ke peeche’ (you know the move I’m talking about) and ‘chane ke khet main’ comes up. In my opinion, the expressions, the context is as important in our songs as the actual moves. Which is why Govinda rocks coz he can emote and dance. I don’t know why, but running in slow motion, banging into each other in slower motion also comes to my mind.
As for the all time dance songs, I’m at quite a loss. Anything that can make your pelvic move is in, I guess. ‘Mehbooba O Mehbooba’, ‘Jawane Jaaneman’ from Namakhalal, ‘jahan teri yeh nazar hai’ are some of my old favorites. I like ‘Ahun ahun’ from Love Aaj Kal too.
I would really appreciate all you help in figuring out
A) typical bollywood moves
B) good dance songs.
Keep in mind youtube is banned in Turkey. If you expect me to get you a gift from Turkey, send me a non-youtube link to some songs, as I’m in deep shit here. I have to teach people bollywood steps and I was depending on a youtube crash course. The strategy was destroyed by the Turkish government, who banned youtube here. Why why why! Since it’s unlawful to openly criticize the government here in Turkey, I’m going to zip it now.

Spot the Indian. No I'm not the one in the saree.

Rarely does one get a chance to reflect on their Indian-ness. Most often, its confused with patriotism, or nostalgia for something that never existed, like ‘unity in diversity’. ‘Unity in diversity’ is an ideal we may all look upto, perhaps even work towards. But honestly, I don’t see it in practice at home, except when a drunk, slobbering moron enters the ladies compartment and all the ladies yell in unison to shoo him out.
It’s very obvious why I may be confused about my half an hour presentation on India tomorrow, to the dancers of ‘Fire of Anatolia’ and fellows from a dozen different countries, as exotic as Peru, Finland, Argentina, Romania etc.
We’ve all grown so weary about everything, we almost assume that the world is too well connected for a genuine cultural exchange. Thanks to google and the gang, we think everyone knows everything about everyone and everything. Twenty minutes into our first pilates class with Abdullah, our choreographer, whirling dervish cum pilates expert, I gave him, what I perceived to be the universal sign of desperation. I showed him my little pinky finger, which in India means ‘I want to pee so badly I can’t even speak’. Ofcourse, I was distressed when he didn’t even bother acknowledging it. 10 minutes down and I just couldn’t handle the paunch crunches on a full bladder and I just told him I’m going to the loo, which is when he asked me why I was showing him the little finger. The entire class cracked up when I told them that that, i.e ‘No.1’ as kids in the first grade call it is the sign for taking a leak. The laughter just worsened when I said that no.2 stands for taking a shit. Apparently such graphic details are not shared in the west. At home, we not only share such details, we also share the smells and actual experience on our beaches and railway tracks. I know because I live on Juhu beach, arguably the biggest communal toilet this side of the equator.
In less than a week here, my English has changed. I tend to speak 90% in the present tense. I was already used to lots of hand gestures and giving strange sound effects. But now, I feel like the animated Indian from Simpsons. Speaking of which I didn’t know Homer the poet was from Turkey. Or that Illiad was a text he wrote and not the name of another poet. Clearly, I slept through my education.
Enough of chit-chat. Now back to the serious business of presenting India. I have a rough idea. I guess once I present it tomorrow I can share my experiences with everyone. Lets keep it a surprise till then.

To be continued….